Questions of Self Discovery

I am writing this on what is the busiest day of my young student life, but I need some downtime from all the chaos and craziness that is buzzing around me. I don’t know how I managed to find time to sit down, nor did I think I would find this time, but I need it to stop and breathe. I often don’t have time in the semester, as busy as it becomes, to check in with myself and whether or not I am happy on the journey I am on. I get lost in the whirlwind of responsibilities and deadlines, and in the process lose myself and my sense of balance. It is at times like these that I forget what I am working towards in my recovery: Growth, independence, and happiness. I become so dedicated to my work and making others happy that I neglect to work on myself and make myself happy.

I have decided to use this opportunity of reflection to evaluate and meditate on my ever-growing journey of self discovery, and to rest within myself.
What am I most proud of?  

I would say my strength in working towards freedom from my eating disorder. Anorexia brings out the worst in me when I succumb to its cruelness, but also the best in me when I find it in myself to rise above it. It is on those days that I believe that I will truly be free of this illness if I only keep believing that that strength I harbour inside myself is more powerful than Ana herself.

Who inspires me? Why do they inspire me?

My mother inspires me. She has experienced and endured such pain and hardships in her life, and yet through the trauma she has grown into a classy, empowered, and powerful woman.  She has not allowed all the sorrow and pain she has had to endure determine what she has become.

What does my ideal morning look like?

Ideally,  I wake up naturally feeling well-rested and energized. I let my body feel floaty and relaxed for a few minutes before getting out of bed and stretching. I drink a cup of hot water with lemon and honey in the garden and listen to the birds fluttering around. Afterwards, I make myself breakfast, eating slowly and mindfully. I might get back into bed to journal my intentions for the day and repeat some mindfulness mantras.

In the next month, I want to...

Have my driver’s license and be comfortable driving and running errands on my own.

I am grateful for...

My family who never fail to provide me with warmth, love, kindness, and support.

I need more ___ in my life because...

I need more soulfulness and faith in my life because I do not feel as close to God as I used to.

What are five short term goals I have?

1. Get my driver’s license
2. Draw up a new meal plan
3. Find healthy and moisturizing products for my hair
4. Spend less money
5. Stay away from negative energy

Where do I see myself in six months?

I see myself as a healthy and happy 21 year old woman, driving, studying, and living as a soulful, mindful, and self-assured independent woman.

What is one important lesson I learned this week?

I have learned that the only thing I can do, the only thing I should expect from myself, is my best.

In the next month, I want to...

Find more ways to detox from stressful and anxiety-inducing situations other than sleeping.

In the next year, I want to...

Save more money and build my professional connections.

What would I tell my childhood self?

I would tell her to cherish her childhood and stop wanting to grow up so quickly.

What would I tell my future self?

Please choose the paths that make you the happiest, no matter what.

If I had one million rand, I would...

Invest, donate, and travel.

What are ten things that make me happy?

1. Babies wearing big hats
2. The excitable nature of puppies
3. Lying in the sunshine feeling warm and peaceful
4. Bubble baths after long and sleepy days
5. Swimming in the ocean, feeling so immersed in nature
6. Spinning around and around with my arms out
7. Old cartoons
8. Rifling through photographs from my childhood
9. Listening to ‘80s music
10. Napping next to someone I love 

If I could travel anywhere, where would I go?

I would want to go to Italy with my mom.

The person I am most thankful for is...

My parents and my sister.

What inspires me?

The thought that everyday contains the potential for greatness happiness, and love.

What does my ideal day look like?

I would spend my ideal day alone with myself. I would spend the day in silence, away from my phone and technology. I would wake up early, have the ideal morning I described above, and do some yoga. I would want to be outside for as much time as possible, swimming, running, walking, breathing, and being in nature.  I would have a picnic with myself: Fruit, crackers, cheese, biltong, water, nuts, chocolate, and pretzels. I would read as many books as possible, and draw anything and everything. I would watch the sunset beside the ocean while watching the waves crash on the shore. I would want to fall asleep beneath the stars, lying on my back, snuggled under warm blankets.

What type of legacy do I want to leave behind?

I want to be remembered as someone who loved others and herself with her whole heart. I want to be remembered as selfless, compassionate, warm, empowered, and faithful.