It’s Not Me, It’s You
A plethora of thoughts have been clouding my mind recently. These thoughts are mostly elusive, fleeting before I can pin them down. There is one thought, however, that has been persistent and bleating at me like the world’s most annoying sheep:
Why do I worry so much about what other people think of me, or the effect I have on them?
By this I don’t mean, “I hope he thinks I’m pretty” or “I hope she thinks I’m cool enough to invite to her party”. I mean more abstract worries that are even further out of my control. Worries such as, “My best friend is upset, what have I done?” Or “My lecturer didn’t look at me this morning, did I do something wrong?” This speaks very clearly to my anxiety about how much effect and influence I have on other people. It stresses me deeply and is quite a pervasive experience. I can’t seem to go through one day without worrying that I am the source of other people’s misery, misfortunate, or distress.
This places immense pressure on me to be a kind of social chameleon: I change my colours and adapt to different social situations in order to be the kind of person different people need me to be so that I don’t upset them or leave them feeling deserted. When I am on my own, however, I don’t know what kind of person to be for myself. I am exhausted at the end of the day after being different people for everyone else around me:
Happy Sarah-Kate who will laugh at the joys and mishaps of daily life with you.
Comforting Sarah-Kate who will talk with you till all hours of the morning about your worries.
Care-free Sarah-Kate who will go for drinks with you.
Patient and Understanding Sarah-Kate who will stay with you until you feel more relaxed and calm.
Even so, I still manage to convince myself and fill my head with terrible thoughts that the problems of everyone around me are somehow my fault. If I see my friend looking upset on the bus, I will think it is because I offended them in some way. If my mom doesn’t say hello to me in a friendly tone, I will think that I made her angry or frustrated. I place so much pressure on myself to be just the right temperature for other people to avoid conflict that I believe I inevitably start.
What I have come to realize after countless, and often circular, therapy sessions is that the misfortunes of people are not my fault. I genuinely overestimate how much of an influence I have over other people, and I don’t know why. All I know is the liberating truth that most times it is not me, it’s you. I am working more and more towards liberating myself from the bullying side of my brain that tells me that the world’s problems rest on my existence and that I need to make myself small and likeable in order to keep the peace. How is that fair? How is fair for me to assume blame for the burdens of other people that have nothing to do with me? If my tutor gives me the side-eye glance, maybe they just had a bad morning, left the house late, or even had a fight with their parents, and NOT because I have done something wrong to them. If my friend doesn’t wave back at me, maybe it’s because they really didn’t see me or they aren’t feeling their best, and NOT because I made them feel angry or upset.
I feel like I am continuously retraining my brain to question my coping mechanisms, unhealthy behaviours, and my previously unquestioned views of myself and the world around me. I don’t, however, see this as a burden or punishment. Everyday I am becoming a stronger and more enlightened version of myself as I learn, discover, unlearn, and reimagine ways of becoming the best possible version of myself, for myself. I find my mental state becomes stronger the more I question why I treat myself so badly and place immense pressure on myself to be perfect. Thought it is incredibly daunting and difficult to interrogate your own mind on what it is convinced to be true, you will also come to realize how mentally constructed feelings of worthlessness are, and that they can be dismantled by you, the true commander of your worth.
Happy Sarah-Kate who will laugh at the joys and mishaps of daily life with you.
Comforting Sarah-Kate who will talk with you till all hours of the morning about your worries.
Care-free Sarah-Kate who will go for drinks with you.
Patient and Understanding Sarah-Kate who will stay with you until you feel more relaxed and calm.
Even so, I still manage to convince myself and fill my head with terrible thoughts that the problems of everyone around me are somehow my fault. If I see my friend looking upset on the bus, I will think it is because I offended them in some way. If my mom doesn’t say hello to me in a friendly tone, I will think that I made her angry or frustrated. I place so much pressure on myself to be just the right temperature for other people to avoid conflict that I believe I inevitably start.
What I have come to realize after countless, and often circular, therapy sessions is that the misfortunes of people are not my fault. I genuinely overestimate how much of an influence I have over other people, and I don’t know why. All I know is the liberating truth that most times it is not me, it’s you. I am working more and more towards liberating myself from the bullying side of my brain that tells me that the world’s problems rest on my existence and that I need to make myself small and likeable in order to keep the peace. How is that fair? How is fair for me to assume blame for the burdens of other people that have nothing to do with me? If my tutor gives me the side-eye glance, maybe they just had a bad morning, left the house late, or even had a fight with their parents, and NOT because I have done something wrong to them. If my friend doesn’t wave back at me, maybe it’s because they really didn’t see me or they aren’t feeling their best, and NOT because I made them feel angry or upset.
I feel like I am continuously retraining my brain to question my coping mechanisms, unhealthy behaviours, and my previously unquestioned views of myself and the world around me. I don’t, however, see this as a burden or punishment. Everyday I am becoming a stronger and more enlightened version of myself as I learn, discover, unlearn, and reimagine ways of becoming the best possible version of myself, for myself. I find my mental state becomes stronger the more I question why I treat myself so badly and place immense pressure on myself to be perfect. Thought it is incredibly daunting and difficult to interrogate your own mind on what it is convinced to be true, you will also come to realize how mentally constructed feelings of worthlessness are, and that they can be dismantled by you, the true commander of your worth.
