Thursday, 29 December 2016

Here Ends The Twelfth Lesson

Happy holidays, lovelies! Guess what? I am officially a matriculant!

My schooling career, which spanned from 19/01/2005 to 28/11/2016, has officially come to an end. In celebration, I am parting with you 12 years worth of lessons in 12 concise points. These are some of the most valuable lessons school has taught me which I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I hope that these will help you as you journey through school, and everything that may follow.

1. Trust yourself. 

Know who you are: Your goals, your limits, your values, and your morals, and stand up for what you believe in. If something feels wrong, then go with that instinct. Learn to say NO with conviction. And learn that it is okay to say NO and STOP if you are being threatened or endangered. 


2. Don't count your friends; make your friendships count. 

Not everyone will like you, and that's okay. That is a bitter pill to swallow, especially if you are like me and want the whole world on your side, but this is actually the best part of high school: You don't have to be friends with everyone! What a relief, right? Your friend group should consist of people who share values with you, while at the same time encourage you to reach outside of your comfort zone. They should inspire you to become the best you possible, and support you through everything. True friends can be difficult to find, so don't become disheartened if this takes time. You will find where you fit in. 

3. Make mistakes.

You will leave things to the last minute. You will write down the wrong answer to a question, and then remember the right answer after the test. You will forget your gym bag at home, lock yourself out of your locker, and saunter over-confidently into the wrong classroom. Don't be too hard on yourself about these. You are human, and will inevitably slip up sometimes. The important thing to do is to accept these mistakes, and use them to learn, grow, move on, and let go. 


4. Beware of the consequences of the choices you make. 

Your life is your responsibility. Your choices reflect how you will grow, and how you respect yourself and those around you. All of your choices determine the path your life will take, and what kind of person you will become. Live wisely and responsibly.

5. Compare yourself only to the person you were yesterday. 

I have to remind myself of this every day: Focus only on bettering yourself by setting small goals, and orienting yourself towards achieving those goals. Don't compare your goals with your friends or colleagues' goals. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, and performs at different levels in different areas. Not everyone can be good at everything, so you can't expect this from yourself.

6. Stay ahead of your syllabus. 

I promise you, this will help you immensely in Matric. Small things will ensure you will stay ahead, like reading five more pages of your setwork book, or summarising a chapter in your Biology textbook and filling in some vocabulary. Every little bit counts! Not only will you be ahead of your peers, you will also have an advantage in class tests and end of year exams, because you've studied the material on your own at leisure. By staying ahead, you can also ask your teacher for clarification and explanations on things you don't understand before anyone else has even picked them up.

7. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

I once read a quote that said, "Rather look stupid and ask than feel stupid when you don't." I was very shy starting school, so this is a lesson that was difficult for me to learn. If you are lost in the school quad, find someone to guide you. If you are staring at the equation-riddled board in Maths with no idea what's going on, ask for an after-school tutor session. If you feel anxious, sick, or lonely, talk to a school psychologist, a friend, or a nurse. Let someone know if something is wrong. Speak up if you are feeling scared, pressured, or vulnerable. Learn to protect yourself, and look after yourself.

8. Resist dangerous peer pressure.

I cannot emphasise this enough: If it feels wrong, don't do it. Trust your instincts. If your friends pressure you into doing something that contradicts your values, then they are not your real friends. If whatever you are being persuaded to do feels dangerous, wrong, morally incorrect, or clashes with what you stand for and believe in, resist the pressure to do it. Whatever you decide to make of a situation like that reveals a lot about you as a person. This ties in heavily to point number 4.

9. Channel positive vibes and laughter into your daily routine.

 Maintaining a joyful aura and being a positive influence may be the only thing getting you, and your friends, through school. Whether it's dancing like lunatics down the school corridors, spinning in your office chairs, talking in silly voices, splitting junk food, or singing songs from old movies, laughter and joy will only do you a world of good. It will also help you make friends as people will be drawn to your infectious smile and bubbly nature.

10. Stay involved

It is critical to forge connections in both school and work. The people I've met through job shadowing and charity work have taught me so much about life, and given me opportunities to expand my horizons, and share my talents and opinions with a wider audience. These are the people who have built the stage upon which I could discover myself, and become who I am today. Through being involved in events and organisations beyond the confinements of school, I have become a more mature, confident, open-minded person. That has become important in my writing, as well as the way I view my journey through life.

11. Avoid drama and negativity

Gossip in all forms is negative. Period. Stay away from gossip, negative vibes, and dangerous people. If you find this difficult, think of it as poison that you are putting into your body. Making something like gossip and negativity into a tangible object might help you to object to or abstain from it in the future. This links to point number 9.

12. Accept failure as part of the process

I understand that failure can be immensely embarrassing, but here is the rub: It does not matter how many times you've fallen down. What truly matters is how many times you've picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and tried again. Failure is essential in the process of learning. He who has never failed has a lot to learn. Without failure, we would never learn where we went wrong. Use failure to your advantage, and let it be another brick in the wall of your future empire.

I hope you and your families had a magical Christmas, and earned some well-deserved rest over the festive season. Please stay safe as the celebrations continue into the new year.

Let's hope that 2017 will be kind to us all. Let it be another year for learning, growth, and love. If we all approach the new year with loving hearts and open minds, anything is possible. I believe in the promises of 2017, and our ability to work together towards a better future.

2016, it's been a crazy ride, but it's time to disembark. 


XO

Friday, 9 December 2016

Open Letter To Humanity 2 | Trumped

I have very strong feelings surrounding the outcome of the American election. This letter is in response to the outcome, as well as other events that have occurred in the past year. I wrote it on 9 November 2016.

I have written a letter of this nature before: Open Letter To Humanity | Love Is Love. I dreaded the day I would have to write another one. Not because I do not enjoy writing, but because it saddens my heart that tragic events occurred for the letter to be written.

Dear Humanity,

"The world is uncertain and trembling.

It is such a scary time to be living in. 
A lot of change is happening: Some at a rapid pace, and some gradually; Some good, and some very, very bad.

Another evil man has risen to power.
People are killing, children are starving, and so many are homeless, dying, sick, or struggling to make it to the next day.
Bees are becoming endangered,
We have killed the Great Barrier Reef,
Innocent black men, women, and children are being attacked and tortured for protesting for their human rights in America,
Women no longer have legal say in some countries about abortion rights,
The LGBTQ community is being oppressed and attacked,
Xenophobia is rife worldwide,
Racism is evident in politics, schools, social groups, and young people,
Misandry is confused for feminism everyday,
Communities are torn apart, caught in warfare waged by religious fundamentalists,
Young women who are the future are denied the right to education,
Students' lives are in danger as they protest for free tertiary education and for the president to step down,
Syrian and Middle Eastern refugees are dying in the ocean as they try and escape their war-torn countries,
Children are being maimed by bombs,
The populations is exponentially increasing,
Natural disasters are causing further destruction and delapidation in Haiti, New Zealand, and Florida,
The Earth has reached its tipping point,
And although the effects of global warming are evident and undeniable, world leaders continue to deny its existence.

It is a lot to deal with, a lot to digest, and a lot to be in denial or depressed about. But, you cannot let it tear your mind away from one simple truth:

There is hope.

I don't know where, but there is hope.

Hope is ever present. It shatters all darkness.

Look inside yourself, and find that light inside your core. Use that light as a flame as you journey through the darkness. Together, we will find that hope, and it will shine so brightly that all evil and adversities will disappear.

Once we open our hearts, and let that light in, we will be whole, and we will all be safe. 

Can you commit to that?"



XO

Prelims Essay: Skinny Love Won't Feed Your Soul

Happy holidays!

 The creative essay you are about to read was written during my Prelim English Paper 3 exam. We were given a choice of essay topics that would inspire our creative writing. I chose to write an essay stemming from one of the options, a quote, which said: 

"There is no sincerer love than the love of food." - George Bernard Shaw. 

I achieved 100% for this essay, and it was later published in our school magazine. I was very proud of myself. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

*TRIGGER WARNING: Eating disorder (anorexia nervosa)*

Skinny Love Won't Feed Your Soul

George Bernard Shaw, a world famous playwright, once said, "There is no sincerer love than the love of food." Certainly, the relationship that one cultivates with food should be sincere and healthy. However, after being guided by my own experience, I have found that this relationship is not as easy as it seems.

When you first enter into a new relationship with your down feathers and quivering legs, your young mind already has some kind of knowledge as to what a relationship entails: You have studied the Life Orientation textbooks, and watched countless, sappy romantic comedies starring the likes of Ryan Gosling and Anne Hathaway to know that any relationship, if built on the foundations of trust, openness, and respect, will grow into a lifelong relationship. This too can be applied to the relationship one builds with food, and will determine how sincere the love in this relationship is. 

This, however, does not come without trials and tribulations. Like in any relationship, food will take you on an emotional journey that could either make you feel invincible, or irrevocably crush your spirit. I experienced the latter. For a long time, I refused to be open to food, and denied it a place in my heart. I convinced myself that food did not deserve me, and that I would be a better person without it. I gave food what they refer to in relationships as the "Silent Treatment." I did not look at food, touch food, nor entertain the idea of being with food. "I will show food that I'm above its power," I thought to myself. "I will teach it that it cannot come into my life, manipulate my body, and expect me to accept this as a form of love. I will live a full life, and grow and future myself independently, without food."

After I had put up arms against food, I became numb. I became a fragment, a fleeting ghost of the girl I had once been. I had no love in my life; not from food or from myself. I knew I needed it back. I craved the way it filled me, the joy it gave me, the love it shared with me. But, I had slipped too far from its warm embrace for it to save me from my own self-deprecation. 

I thought I would become powerful. I thought I would rise above food like an eagle above a stagnant mountain range. Instead, I had become like the ore, trapped beneath the bulge of the mountain. Time was running out for me. The oxygen in my lungs was diminishing; the life from my eyes was dying. And the pain in my heart was excruciating. The last thing that was on my mind before the night's cold fingers clutched and clawed my body was of food. I thought of all the memories we had shared, and all of the adventures we could have had together. I thought of the love we had shared, and how I had ripped that love to pieces out of my own selfish fear.

Suddenly, a voice rang out through the darkness. It was a sweet voice filled with hope and promise. You would expect it to be a fluttering whisper as soft as a butterfly kiss, but it thundered through the wind, and filled every chasm and empty crevice with warmth and light. The voice said to me, "I am here." That was all it said, and all it had to say for me to understand. I realised then that all food had wanted from me was acceptance. It craved my love and affection, just as I had craved it once. From there, I realised that food had only ever been selfless with me, and wanted my mind and body to grow in each step in our relationship, and right when I had needed it the most, I had pushed it away.

Food and I decided to go for Couples Counselling together. Our relationship became healthier over time as we nursed each other back to life. We went to new places together, and introduced each other to new people. Our love grew stronger and fonder as the days rolled by, and I have never been more happy, nor felt more loved and nourished in my life.

Of course there are days when we do not see eye to eye, but then I remember our love, the sincerest love I have ever known, and I cannot help but run into its arms, hungry for more.


XO

Sunday, 23 October 2016

A Lady's Part

*TRIGGER WARNING: Misogyny*

A woman's body does not break down as you undress it. A woman's body does not devalue as you touch it. It remains what it is: One of the most beautiful works of art in nature. A powerful symbol of resilience, strength, tenacity, and bravery. Like art, we are admired, criticized, photographed, and reviewed. But we remain as we are; never to be broken down by those who do not see the power saddled in our hips, the courage in ores in our arms, the bravery strung through our necks, the readiness swinging in our thighs, and the strength laced in our hands. 

A woman in a bikini is no less powerful than a woman fully clothed. They are the same. They both are warriors, struggling with the everyday sexual, dismissive, ultimately hurtful comments passed at them by people who are blind to beauty. A woman in a bikini is not yours to touch. A woman in a bikini is NOT "asking for it". A woman in a bikini DOES NOT "deserve it". She is magnificent. She is proud, and she is strong. What can you say for yourself, laughing about how she must be easy, cheap, and have no self respect? What does that say about you? She is not what you say she is. You are what you say she is. 

I'll repeat:

She is not what you say she is. 
You are what you say she is.

(Hurts, doesn't it? Now, imagine how she feels when all those hateful comments are posted on her body confident pictures.)

Women do not post bikini pictures to please the patriarchy. Contrary to popular belief, we don't actually exist to please men, *audible gasp*, we post bikini pictures to feel empowered, and to take ownerships of our bodies that represent everything humanity should strive for: Bold and unconditional love and acceptance. We do not post them with the hopes of attracting some unknown man's attention. That kind of confidence boost comes from within, not from some faceless boy behind a screen with the kinds of intentions I do not need to elaborate on. (You get the picture.) Therefore, if that boy decides to comment something impertinent or sexual on the picture, then that is HIS VIEW of her, NOT who she really is. It speaks to him, and the type of person he is, and how he chooses to view women. More of him, and his lack of respect, are revealed in his comment compared to the revealed skin in the picture. 

So, do not think you can touch her body and take away her power. You've been warned: Its force will hurt you. 

Our bodies are safe havens. Do not tread where you are not welcome. Do not touch what you do not value. Do not trample on the home that nursed you, held you, and made you strong.

XO



(Side note: If you don't get the word play in the title, it's a twist on the phrase "lady parts" which hints at female genitalia... because, for some unknown reason, we are forbidden from saying their real names out loud in public. Thank you for reading.)

Monday, 17 October 2016

Due: 12 Years Later

12 years of schooling. Who would've thought the day would come where I'd be looking back on my 12 years of schooling with such fond memories and nostalgia. 

Valedictory, Matric Breakfast, and the Award Ceremony were incredible, and the perfect end to an amazing 12 years. Matrics of 2016, you are all so beautiful. I can't believe we made it this far. Together, we make a melting pot of ethnicities, cultures, and languages, but really, we're just one big family, all supporting each other and loving each other for our uniqueness and spirit. 

We have so much ahead of us, so many questions remain unanswered, not everything is certain, and our journey ahead continues. But one thing is for certain: Through all of the trials and tribulations that we've been through, not only in 2016, but throughout our entire school career, we've emerged as stronger, wiser, more compassionate, nurturing, responsible, mature individuals. I believe in the people we can become: Film makers, doctors, lawyers, engineers, dentists, teachers, business owners, pilots, singers, artists, therapists, photographers, psychologists, we have the power to do it all. We are the generation that takes power into our own hands. I believe that the friendships we've made, and the connections we've forged, will last a lifetime. I believe that we have the power to bring immense change, and leave our mark on the world. And our last hurdle, Finals, is the last thing we have to conquer before we are released as champions. I'm wishing you all the best of luck. I know you can do it. All of your goals can be achieved if you believe in yourself, and push yourself one last time to do as brilliantly as you can. It's all up to you now. 

To my amazing grade, I would not be where I am today without you. You've made me smile, laugh, cry, think, debate, and grow into a woman I'm proud to be. To my friends from years passed, I wish you nothing but success and happiness as we go boldly into the future. We can do this. 

It's time to knuckle down and hit the books. Finals are looming. 6 subjects. Five weeks. One incredible grade. 

LET'S DO IT!


XO

Sunday, 17 July 2016

Eighteen

This is it. Today's the day. My 18th birthday. 

I can't believe I'm here. I never thought I would make it to see 18. It just didn't seem possible at the time. I never thought I'd see light, or anything pure and whole again. I never saw a future for myself, nor did I see anything good amounting from my life. I was miserable, a wreck, completely isolated, and perpetually depressed. 

But here I am, living, in spite of it all. And I'm happy. I really am. I'm so happy I could burst into a thousand colours. I'm not afraid to say that I'm proud of myself. I've conquered my demons and fought all my monsters. I didn't emerge unscathed, but I'm certainly stronger and more powerful than ever before. 

This is also a thank you to everyone who has helped me along the way, held my hand in the dark, and believed in me and loved me when I couldn't love myself. I have endless love in my heart for each and every kind soul, friend, teacher, mentor, and family member that held my broken pieces together until I was whole again. To those I hurt while I was hurting, I apologize profusely. I never meant to hurt you. The last thing I ever wanted during that period of complete desolation was to hurt the person leading me through the fog. I hope that you know now that I will stand by you and fight for you as you have done for me. 

To the friends I've made along the way, thank you for accepting me. Thank you for all the lessons you've taught me, and for letting me grow again.


To my boyfriend, thank you. For everything. For letting me grow, and for showing me the way up. I love you. 

I feel like a brand new person, but somehow, I'm still the old Sarah. I'm still inquisitive, crazy, and too bubbly for one room. But I'm wiser now. And one year older. And for that, I'll be forever proud and grateful.

XO

Tuesday, 14 June 2016

Open Letter To Humanity | Love Is Love

*TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobia*

Just some context in case you haven't been keeping up to date with the news: On 12 June in Orlando, Pulse, a nightclub, was attacked by a gunman. 49 people were killed, and a further 53 wounded. This is the worst mass shooting in modern US history.

"But why should I care? How does this affect me?"

Here's why you should care: Pulse is an LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender) nightclub. This attack was intended on hurting and killing innocent LGBT American youth, which in turn is an attack on the LGBT community, and a hate crime against the idea of free love and equality.

If you have any love in your heart, you will most certainly know how this affects you. We are all humans, and  we should all look out for each other and feel protected. But it's not that simple, is it? Clearly not. Violence should immediately perturb us all. The fact that it doesn't anymore, and how slow we are to react to it, emphasizes how blasé we've become to it. That is disturbing. We all share the same home, and we're not all going to get along, but violence will never present an answer. When has it ever?

Those 49 people were people. They were brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, mothers, daughters, husbands, best friends, cousins. They were innocent people. Innocent people being attacked for celebrating their sexuality in what should have been a safe place. No one in the world had the right to touch them, hurt them, or kill them.

It disgusts me that such hate crimes and violence against humanity are committed in a daily basis. We claim to be evolved creatures, but I've never seen anything more depraved. 

I've written an open letter to humanity challenging the idea that love and equality are exclusive. Leave me comments letting me know your thoughts on the letter and the recent events that have happened. 

Dear Humanity,

"What offends you so about two people being in love?

Would you rather see them hold guns at an open crowd?

Does their endless passion and unwavering truth upset you? Why? 

Do their intertwined hands and stripped souls make you angry? Why? 

Is it their gender? Their race? Those are social constructs, not laws or government amendments. 

They are free. You are caged by your predispositions and judgements. 

I believe in free love, free association, the rights of non-binary genders, and the LGBT community. 

I believe in the power of love to trump all hatred. I believe in equality as a non-exclusive human right. 

I am a Christian. I believe in the power of God, and the beauty of religion. I don't believe in a punishing God. I believe in a God that created you with every intention of you living a free, exciting life, filled with exploration, adventure, and fulfillment. 

Violence isn't necessary to extend your beliefs, or send a message. As humans, we decide which belief system, if any, is right in our hearts. We subscribe to ourselves first, and follow an appropriate lifestyle according to our needs. Who are you to tell me he shouldn't love his partner? Why shouldn't she change to become who she was born to be? A human is a human. Love is love. It is all the same. The same love.

It is when people of different beliefs, identities, races, or orientations are attacked to prove a point, or suppress a group or identity, that it becomes a problem. Here it becomes clear that we are nowhere near the harmonious world we should be living in.

I believe in the endless possibilities of the human race, and I believe in our ability to abolish hatred and ferocity towards our brothers, and live in harmony as children of the sun. 

So why, please tell me, do you chose to hate?"

 



XO

Sunday, 7 February 2016

Thank You

Let me begin by saying that, although this is going to be published online for the world to see, this is a personal letter of thanks from me to you.

Thank you for supporting me in this journey. I couldn't have done it without you. Your love, support, comments, phone calls, messages, hugs, and words of wisdom have helped me in more ways than you know. Thank you for believing in me when I didn't think I could make it. Thank you for holding me when I just wanted to fall deep deep deep into another hole. Thank you for loving me when I couldn't love myself. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for reading my blog. I honestly didn't think anyone would read this, but here we are! I feel like I'm sitting across from you, and saying all of this to you. That's how much I feel connected to everyone who has helped me along the way.

I am becoming more of the person I have always hoped I'd become. I'm becoming someone who people can look to for advice, and be a pillar of strength and wisdom for people who are suffering with similar ordeals.

I want you to know that I am always here for you. We have to stick together if we want to make it through the day. If you need someone to crawl with you, I am here. If you want someone to vent to or cry to, I am here. I am here through the good and the bad, the ugly and the sad. I will stay with you when it starts raining, and I will still be there when the sun shines on you. Always.

Thank you for walking with me, and standing by me. It means so much to me. My heart could burst with the love and pride I feel for being blessed with such compassionate friends and family. Thank you so much. Having you in my life makes life worth living.

XO


Monday, 11 January 2016

One Year Later

*TRIGGER WARNING: Eating disorder, depression*

Tomorrow, 12 January, marks one year since I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa.

This marks an important anniversary in my young life. It was the day that my entire world came crashing down around me, and the reality of my monsters sunk in. It was a day of complete sadness, despair, frustration, and humiliation.

I can't describe how I feel at present. 365 days later. Did I really move 365 days past the point of my diagnosis? Did I really find a piece of myself that I loved enough not to let Ana snatch it away from me? Did I really hold on to this life, and use the broken stones under my feet to make a bridge? I actually did that, and I can't believe it. I'm crying so hard as I write this. I can't believe I held on. I held on. I can't believe it. I held on. I never thought of myself as a strong person, but I guess it takes strength and courage to face your demons and fight the war. Every single tear I've shed has formed a torrential river that I've had to swim through. I felt like I was drowning every day, over and over again, and now, I feel like I can finally breathe. 365 days later I can breathe. I can breathe.

Do I dare say I've made it? I'm not sure. I haven't recovered, but I feel like I have more room to grow. It feels like I have room to spread my wings and be more open and accepting of myself.

I decided to quote a few passages from the diary I kept while I was critically ill and kept at home. Here it goes:
26 January 2015
I want to be the best possible version of myself, but how can I do that when I feel stuck in a perpetual black hole?
30 January 2015
This is a battle that I could not have foreseen, nor a battle that I would have chosen for myself. But it is one that I am not going to lose... Whatever control and power I've been exercising over food I'm going to use to take my life back. I want to live a proud life: one where I don't feel scrutinised, one where I don't care about what everyone is doing or how others perceive me. I want to live a life where health and happiness are my priorities. I am on the road to recovery. It may be long and winding, but it's a road that I need to take, have to take. And it starts now. This journey is going to take time. It's going to be strenuous and, at times, it's going to bellow at me to give up. But I'm a fighter. The reward is my greatest pursuit. I want my life back. I want my happiness back. I want my health back. And I'm going to get it, one step at a time.

I stand by myself, my journey, and my recovery process. I stand by the statement that I want my life back. This road is strenuous, but the reward is worth it. I know that I need to show myself love, kindness and respect, and I'm trying everyday. Hopefully it will get easier and the pain will cease over time.

Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. It fills my heart with warmth and light knowing that I have such a strong support system. You've all shown me the power of family and friendship. I don't know where I'd be without you. Thank you for keeping me warm when I was oh so cold. Thank you for holding me when I was so tired that I wanted to give up. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Here's to another year of recovery, growth, happiness, healing, loving, living, exploring, unearthing, smiling, and giving. 

One step at a time.


XO
Copyright © 2014 Sarah-Kate Says