The Christmas tree is up and decorated. My house is cosy with decorations adorning the living room. The presents are baked, the candles are lit, and the cookies are ready. This year on Christmas Day I will try even harder than before to suppress my body checking urges, to control my portion sizes, and to ignore the vicious voices in my head telling me that one meal will ruin me. 

In the past my Christmases were dictated by Ana's evil voice. No matter how much weight I had lost due to the stress and anxiety she had laden on me, it was never enough. I was still not worthy of the festive spread my family laid out on Christmas Day. My entire afternoon was filled with consuming thoughts of calories, numbers, the scale, my intake, and how much I would have to restrict the next day in order not to hinder my "progress" I had made. I would hide in the bathroom body checking in the mirror, my hands groping my stomach and thighs where I was sure my weight gain after Christmas lunch would be instant and visible. While sitting around the table with my family sharing gossip and laughter, my mind was never truly present. Intrusive and negative thoughts about my body, my self worth, and how possessed I felt circled around my like a vulture. I was never at peace on Christmas. Not while my mind was haunted and Ana had control over me. What I thought was self control and body positivity ultimately turned out to be food obsession and dietary compulsions.

This festive season has unfortunately seen my relapse into anorexia. Though there have been days where the obsessions and compulsions have been too much to handle, I have been trying even harder to resist them. I've been baking, going on outings with my friends, hosting Christmas movie nights, and spending evenings away from home on supper dates. By spending time away from home, I have been attempting to strengthen my body positivity by being around wholesome and loving people rather than staying in bed and indulging in self pity and depression naps.

In truth, I never want to spend another Christmas with Ana. She made my holidays completely miserable and hollow in the past by turning me into a shadow of my former self. She made me lose my exuberance and passion for the most wonderful day of the year. I made a stronger effort, in spite of my relapse, to reclaim my Christmas spirit this year. I want my twenties to be a time of investing in myself, and that means the purging of intrusive and destructive thoughts and behaviour.

My holidays will not be hollow days. I have spent one too many Christmases questioning whether or not I am worthy of being alive and being loved. And on the day of the birth of my Saviour... To think that Ana has influenced and controlled my outlook on life on Christmas more than the God who has never stopped loving me. I never want that to happen again.

Merry Christmas, Ana. Now get out of my house.

When it comes to anorexia, or any mental illness for that matter, your mental and physical health  become detached. As your mental health becomes corrupted by the illness and the terrible thoughts it feeds you, so your body tries to keep you strong enough to carry on. That is why your tummy still rumbles and you still feel hunger when you starve yourself in an eating disorder: Your mind may be plaguing you that something terrible will happen to you if you eat, but your body still asks you to eat. The two are out of sync, and the main aim in recovery is to get them to work back together again. 

My mental health is slow to catch up with my physical health because something inside me may still be holding on to Ana. Something in me is scared of letting her go. You may ask why I struggle to say goodbye to the entity that was starving me to death: You have to remember that she was there for me when I had no one else to turn to. She listened to my cries and reassured me that everything would be okay. She parented me, set rules for me, and gave me a sense of control and routine when all I wanted to do was fall apart. 

Yes, she was caring. She cared a lot.

But not for me. No, not at all.

All those rules, routine, and starvation days were not for my benefit.

They were for hers.

I like to think of it that she feeds off of living souls. She consumes energy and treats people as disposable to her. There is no light inside her. Ana is only darkness and evil. She is not healthy for me and will not stop until she has taken everything from me. She never has or will care about me, and I am neither obliged nor expected to entertain her just because she cries outside my door every morning and night. 

People tell me I have a strong mind and will, but I often don’t know how true that is. I do find myself letting Ana back in sometimes. I talk to her. I listen to her. I let her sleep in my bed and sit at my table.  She haunts me everyday. She lingers in the corners I forget to close off. She leaves me reminders of her in my bedroom. And all I want is for her to stop, however scary it is to think of losing her. That’s where the conflict between my physical body and psychological mind comes in. They are in two different worlds. I always need to work to reunite them.

At other times, it’s easier for me to reject her, to slam the door in her face. In some of my recovery days I find it easier to listen to hunger cues and my authentic kind voice. She tries to call me back to her, but my physical body rejects her. Those are the moments when I feel so immensely empowered in recovery: When I can listen to myself and be brave enough to ignore her. In these moments, my mind and body are in sync, working together to save me. Without sounding like a total dork, how beautiful is that?

Nothing can replace that feeling of obliterating your self-deprecating thoughts that render you immobile and terrified for your life. That is the power of the union between the mind and the body. The psychical self and the physical self working together produce a power strong enough to keep us brave and empowered enough to destroy anything standing in the way of our progress and journeys to success. 

I suppose it is the same as in life the way we abandon different phases and move on to new ones. I found it very difficult to say goodbye to primary school and move forward into high school. I’ve also found it difficult to let go of people, even if they were toxic to me and my growth. I’ve always believed in second chances and have ended up being hurt more. That’s another instance of where my psychological self and physical self were in conflict: My body knew that I could not stand to be around such energy, but my mind wanted me to stay with them. Any situation in my life where I’ve had to navigate the paths between holding on and letting go. I don’t know how much better I’m getting at it, but everyday I am trying harder to put my mind and body back in conversation with each other. Whether that means writing down what I’m feeling and then interrogating how to solve the incongruous and troublesome feelings, or speaking to someone I know to balance out my biases thinking. 

Whether it be for your mental health or for the sanctity of your future, the union between your physical self and psychological self needs to be strong and genuine. I am working on this connection everyday in recovery. I believe it is the only way to defeat Ana. 

Hello my angels. 

It is time in my life for more soul searching, digging deeper than ever before so that I may save myself.

Many of you know that I have relapsed into anorexia again. This is the third time I have had to deal with Ana, the second relapse in less than a year. I promised myself that my twenties would bring clarity and self-love the way my teenage years had not. I do not want to jeopardise myself, my future, and my degree any further than this illness has already tortured me. I know what to do in order to recover, so I am doing it. Right here. Right now.

I have developed a meal plan of what I will eat each day of the week including three meals a day plus snacks in-between at regular intervals. I also have a list of self-reflective reasons why I want to recover and empowering mantras to keep me on the right track towards my future. Never have I yearned for freedom this strongly before. Anorexia has no place in my future, and I don't want her threatening my mental and physical health for another second. It's either me or her, and for the last time I am choosing me. My survival, my success, and my story over hers. Ana cannot continue living through me, choking me of every opportunity for growth. I want her out of my life and away from my home.

I am about to share with you my special and sacred mantras I have used over the years to ward Ana off. They are extremely powerful when believed sincerely and whole-heartedly. To the one suffering while reading this, I encourage you to use them. Never stop believing in the power of your inner self. Ana is not that inner self, but rather the entity that threatens its survival. Do not let her win. Speak to your heart and strengthen it.

Here are my mantras:

If you're reading this: Congratulations! You've been accepted into university and are on your way to Orientation! WOOP WOOP!

My expectations going into Orientation were hazy and confused mixed with a lot of anxiety. I was overwhelmed at the idea of navigating a huge campus filled with people I didn't know, all of whom were older and more educated than me (For a while I even referred to them as 'The Big Kids'). I also didn't know how I would learn to structure my degree, organise and choose my majors, take notes on my own, use the library system, make a whole new group of friends, and deal with the pressure of the massive jump from school life to university life while at the same time juggling the mounting pressures of adulthood. This caused me to enter my first day of Orientation with trembling hands and a heart palpitating at a rate of knots. I felt so overwhelmed at the whirling questions I didn't know the answers to, as well as the questions I didn't know how to verbalise. I felt like a child on her first day of pre-school: In need of her mommy, a juice box, and a long nap-nap.

But you and I are no longer children. We are on the brink of adulthood. We are expected to perform our own research, construct and validate our own opinions and ideas, and come up with logical and definitive questions to clarify our misunderstandings and confusions. Luckily for us, university is the perfect place to build and strengthen these skills. The first step to this is Orientation (a baby step in the greater scheme of things).

Orientation is the time to learn. It is the time to ask questions. It is the time to be vulnerable, as hard as it is, and embrace university as a new, exciting experience that will offer you everything as long as you are keen to explore. 

Here are some useful tips from A to Z that should help your Orientation experience be as fulfilling and stress-relieving as possible. If you are anything like me (a Worry Wombat at best), then by the end of this post you should feel less stressed about what is sure to be a wonderful experience at the cusp of your young adult life!

Always remember that everyone around you is in the same boat as you. You are all experiencing your university's campus for the first time, embracing the uncertainty of university life for the first time, and feeling lost in a sea of new and unfamiliar faces. Let this be calming to you rather than nerve-wracking. 

Be yourself. I know this may sound cliche, or like the cheesiest piece of advice, but take it to heart. You don't have to change who you are in order to make new friends or to get a group of people to like you. The easiest (and sometimes hardest) thing you can be is yourself. Your vibe will attract your tribe even if you don't make friends instantly. Give yourself time to adjust to your new surroundings and then you'll feel more comfortable in your socialising abilities. University is about finding yourself and growing your inner voice. Don't silence it by pretending to be someone you're not.

Count your blessings that you have the privilege to attend university. While you are on guided tours around campus, look around you and soak in the atmosphere, the new faces, and the vibe of the campus, and realise that you are more blessed than you know. It truly is a privilege to be able to receive tertiary education, and the more we acknowledge that, the more we can begin to take our roles as future leaders and educators of the world seriously.

Don't be afraid not to know what is going on. Instead, keep your mind and your ears wide open. Listen to the Orientation lectures. Soak in as much knowledge about the different opportunities available to you. University and student life are worlds apart from the twelve years of schooling you just emerged from- of course you will be confused and slightly disoriented. But now is not the time to panic. Now is the time to prepare yourself to move forward into your adult life.

Embrace the uncertainty. This was a hard pill for me to swallow as I am prone to anxiety, breakdowns, and panic attacks. But this is a beautiful part of your life when the world is wide open for you. You are about to meet so many great people, ingest a world of knowledge, and feel freer than you've ever felt before. Get excited!

Follow the advice given by your Orientation leaders and lecturers. They know best as they have been through university the longest and know what kinds of questions you will ask before you even think of them. Be patient with them too as they are dealing with hundreds of confused and excited Freshers all wanting to get the most out of their university career with the least amount of stress possible.

Gain as much knowledge about the Orientation process and the runnings of the campus as you can. Make use of the university's website, social media platforms, and current and past students so that you can get a leg up on how to structure your degree, navigate the different buildings, and learn how to take notes and use campus services before the craziness of the semester sweeps over you.

Having a smile on your face will relieve stress both in your heart and the room during Orientation. Smiling will only make you feel more confident and excited about your impending studies. People will also be drawn to your friendly nature and spirit. You'll be making friends and learning about your degree all in one go!

Interested in joining a club, society, or sports team? Go for it! This is the perfect way to meet new friends and spark new interests and hobbies. They also provide awesome stress-relievers when the life of work work work becomes too much.

Join groups with people you don't know. Orientation is the freest time you will have to expand your social circle, however small or big, and meet some fresh faces. I have met the best people that I am proud to call my university family who I would never have met if I hadn't stepped out of my shell and been open to new friendships. I promise you are going to meet so many likeminded and wholesome people through having similar interests, lifestyles, philosophies, and life goals. This is the time to introduce yourself and put your voice out there.

Keep reminding yourself that while university offers more freedom and choice that responsibility follows closely behind. As you emerge into adulthood the responsibilities will be greater on you to take care of yourself, manage your studies and time, and to make mature and wise choices about how you will live your life. This need not be scary if you keep your wits about you and your head screwed on straight.

Learn about what the different courses entail. In first year you are given the options of electives next to your majors. Find out what the different courses teach, what the content and workload is like, what kinds of careers you can join using the course, and how the course can help you strengthen your abilities in your other majors. It's a very exciting process.

Make yourself heard. Do not allow your voice to be suppressed by fear, anxiety, or trepidation. Now is the time to express your opinions and ask questions. Don't be afraid to hear your voice in a quiet room. Others might just benefit from your questions and answers.

Never be afraid to admit that you are scared, anxious, lost, or confused. No one at this stage wants to see you in these states. If the semester hasn't even started and you are already too scared to ask for help when you are given all the resources and friendly faces to do so, then you are going to be in trouble when lectures, tests, tutorials, and seminars are added to the mix. Speak up and let people know when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Orientation can be incredibly stress-provoking and anxiety-inducing only if you allow it to be. In the days leading up to Orientation I wound myself into such an anxious mess that I sought any excuse not to attend. In hindsight I would have lost so much valuable information and hands-on time with my future lecturers, friends, and campus. Try to remind yourself to inhale courage and exhale fear. You can only benefit from your Orientation experience.

Prepare yourself for your Orientation programme. Find out where you need to be and at what time. Take a look at your daily itinerary and prepare for the various activities. Read your Orientation pack and familiarise yourself with university jargon, important names, buildings, services, and FAQs. Some important things to remember to pack for the day are:

• A water bottle
• A notebook and pen
• A hat
• Walking shoes
• Some nibbles
• Money
• A backpack
• A phone charger
• Your clever little brain

Questions, questions, questions- ask as many as possible! Rather look silly and ask a lot of questions than feel silly and confused when you don't ask them. Take down phone numbers and email addresses of leading figures in your faculty so you can set up appointments to discuss your confusions if you need to at a later stage. 

Read your Orientation pack. This is a very important piece of advice. You will be given a pack of booklets and notes with instructions on how to structure a degree, what majors are available to you, how your faculty is structured, a map of the university, a list of emergency contacts, and a timetable to follow for your Orientation programme. It will be beneficial to you to read through this pack so that you have background knowledge going into Orientation, and so that you can form a list of questions to clarify your understanding of how things work.

Stay with your Orientation group and Orientation leaders. Over the course of your Orientation days, you will form friendships and trust circles with them. This will allow you to turn to them for advice and clarity on the questions you have. You may also find some people in your group taking the same courses and majors as you that you can stick with when the semester starts.

Take notes. You may feel like a Super Nerd taking notes during Orientation lectures while others might be on their phones, walking around aimlessly, buying food, chatting, or just sitting in the sun. But trust me, taking notes that you can review at home in your own time is a vital part of becoming accustomed to university life. Writing down notes about how the university works, who to turn to for advice, where to go for specific services, and how to construct your undergraduate degree are the first steps to becoming a self-sufficient and forward-thinking university student. It can also help you to construct your own questions related specifically to your course of study that you can ask your Orientation leader or course conveynor at a later stage.

Understanding university jargon such as 'semester,' 'major,' 'course,' 'degree,' 'faculty,' and 'tutorials' can be overwhelming and difficult to remember. I suggest you make a list of these words as they come up in Orientation lectures and define them for yourself in a way that is easy to understand and remember.

Value the precious time you have to clarify your misunderstandings and navigate campus before the semester starts. Once the semester starts, it is full steam ahead, and if you aren't on the train when it leaves the station then you have no one else to blame but yourself. Take the time and initiative to explore the buildings, familiarise yourself with surroundings and names, do your research, ask questions, and stay focused.

Waiting until you're ready to ask a question, achieve a new goal, or start a new lifestyle is not always an option. Sometimes you just have to dive in with as much confidence and conviction as you can muster. This can be scary, but also incredibly rewarding if you have the drive and motivation to succeed.

"Xcuse me?" "Pardon?" "Please can you repeat that?" Yep that's right- even though you are becoming a big bad adult, manners still matter! Be polite to your lecturers and Orientation leaders. This shows maturity and respect.

Your new life is just beginning. Fear and anxiety are bound to follow you for the first couple of days. But remember that as you continue walking towards the sunrise of your beautiful future, your fears and inhibitions will fade into the darkness. 

Zone into your new surroundings. Immerse yourself in the world of student life. This is your new beginning. This is where you will spend the next three to four years finding yourself, losing yourself, building yourself, and strengthening yourself. It is an incredible time to be young. 

All that's left to say now is good luck and enjoy your Orientation experience! If this post helped in any way at all to relieve your anxiety and give you useful advice about how to approach Orientation, I'd love to know in the comments.

Let the picture quote below be your mantra going into university. Now turn off your phone and get some sleep because you've got a big day tomorrow!

Do you want to know how I know that 2018 is going to be an amazing year? Because it is the Chinese Year of The Dog! 

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love and adore our furry little friends, so this made me all the more excited to begin a new year. I don't want to jinx it, but so far 2018 has been kind. Besides the fact that January in itself takes an entire year to end, I am not complaining about the extended hours of daylight this summer. I have been spending them reading, meditating, and catching some much needed vitamin C on our glorious Cape Town beaches with my friends. Over the New Year period I also spent some time in Johannesburg with my family. Relishing in their drought-free conditions and breathing in the air perfumed with the smell of freshly cut grass and flowers was absolutely amazing. I like to look back on it as a mini detox.

My refreshing time away gave me an opportunity to ponder on my word for 2018. Each year since 2016 I have chosen a word that I want to set the mood for that year, and so far I think I have chosen accurate words. My word for 2016 was 'Growth'. My word for 2017 was 'Refresh'. My word for 2018 has been decided too. It is...

Cleanse

2018 is going to be a year of focusing on my recovery. This is my fifth year in my eating disorder, and I cannot let my illness inhibit me from flourishing into my twenties like I know I can. This blog post is going to analyse some of the reasons why I feel I am being held back from the full life I want to live, and why my eating disorder finds purpose through me.

I also want 2018 to be a year of increasing my happiness. I have been gripped by episodes of intense panic, anxiety, and depression in the past, all of which threatened to obscure the balance I am trying so hard to maintain in my life. I have realised how important balance is to live a happy and sustainable lifestyle, the kind of lifestyle I crave. I touched on this a lot in one of my previous posts.

I am now going to introduce you to four words that have been prevalent in my life. These words have controlled most of my decisions and actions, and have also spurred my eating disorder and relapse. 

They are 'The Four Fs':

This is a word I use a lot. It is also a word that has governed my every move and thought since I became ill in 2014. 

Anorexia thrives on fear: Fear of being out of control, of self-actualisation, of realising your full potential, and of growth. It is one of the reasons why I am so terrified of growing up and maturing. I am scared of what will happen if I get better and start to let go of my illness. It isn't because I think I need this illness as a part of my identity, because I truly don't believe I do. I see myself moving forward into the future as a self-contained woman with a passion and vigour for life and living. I am rather scared of letting go of this illness because, if and when I do, all responsibilities of adulthood fall on me. People will expect more from me if I recover fully and expect me to be reliable, independent, level-headed, and mature. I know that I have all of these skills, but the truth is that no one expects them from you as a sick person. When you are sick, people don't expect you to be able to take care of yourself all the time. That is a comforting feeling in a way because you know that there will always be people watching you to make sure that you are just comfortable in your space: Not too overwhelmed, and not too neglected. Just right. Tepid.

One of the nurturing (if I may call it that) aspects of Anorexia is that it reduces you to a childlike state. No one expects you to behave or think like an adult because you struggle so much with the bare minimum tasks of taking care of yourself. No one pushes you to move out, get a job, go out with friends, do chores, or be more mature and responsible because they know you aren't ready to handle it. I am currently in a tug of war because I feel that I am ready to handle these tasks, but Ana convinces me I am not. I truly believe that I am ready to grow up and become an adult. I want to be able to perform my part-time job with full energy, to go out for drinks with friends, to drive to the mall, to go out and meet new people, and to experience life to its fullest. But this fear of letting go of my illness holds me back. 

I am also scared of people forgetting about me. The reality is that people don't worry about the people who are doing okay with their lives. Those are the people you just expect to do well because they are seen by others as having their lives balanced and in order. People do, however, worry about the people in their lives who aren't doing okay. They continually check up on them, care for them, worry about them, and wonder how they are. I'm scared that if I become better and let go of my illness that people will forget about me. I'm scared that they will think I'm entirely okay and that I can carry on with life as usual. On the other side of the coin is my frustration: I don't want to be the friend and family member that everyone is constantly worried about. I want people to trust that I can handle myself, take care of myself, and be okay in the world as I uncover who I am in my twenties. It truly is fear that is holding me back from getting better.

Someone asked me today, "What do you think will happen if you get better?" 

And I said that I think that I will be happier, my family and friends will be happier, and I will be able to live life to the fullest with nothing holding me back. 

They then asked me, "What is holding you back then?" 

And I replied, "Fear." 

They said to me, "Why can't you let go of fear?"

And I replied, "Because when you have fear in your life, it holds you back from failure. Life is safe when there is no failure. As long as I hold onto fear, I remain in a safe space where nothing extraordinary will ever happen to me. It is like a child being afraid of learning how to swim. As long as they avoid any situation where they will have to swim, they will be safe. Sure, they will have missed out on an important lifeskill that is enjoyable and highly useful, but their fear of what will happen to them in the water will make sure that they never know what they're missing out on."

Failure is a territory I have been scared to enter since I was a young girl. I have always tried to be the good child, the star child, the child that never caused trouble, rocked the boat, or was rebellious in any way. As a result, I became scared of performing the smallest act incorrectly. If I forgot to do the dishes when my mom asked me to I would burst into tears and have a panic attack because I truly believed that that negligence (a strong word, but I believed it was) made me bad and irresponsible. I had failed. 

At fourteen years old I would stay up until two in the morning to study for a test because I believed that writing the test using my class notes and listening skills would result in getting 60%. This, to me, was not good enough. I would cram as much information as I could and stress myself to the point of a breakdown in order to get 90%. This, I believed, made me successful. This was what I needed to do in order to be a successful student. I believed that the skills that I already had, like my dedication and studious personality, were not enough. I needed to do more, be more, in order to be successful. I felt that if I only relied on myself that I would fail. 

I truly believed that what I had inside me was not enough to be successful.

Having an illness is like having something to fall back on. It is a safety net of sorts. As long as you have it, people understand that you can't work to your full potential. They understand that your energy levels and blood pressure are low, that you will have really bad days, and that your head space is consumed with racing thoughts. And because of this safety net, you never really have to worry about failure.

My illness has kept me in a space where failure has become an even more scary thing to consider. If I do let go of my illness and get better, I will be expected to perform more, do more, and be more. This means that I will be even more susceptible to failure. If I get better I will be able to embrace more challenges and experiences because I will have the energy and drive to embrace them. I could take my driver's test. But what if I fail the test? What if I fail the test more than once? That would mean entering a space of so much anxiety and shame that I have been avoiding for so long. The thought alone is enough to make me put off driving for the rest of my life.

But where would that get me? Where would avoiding a major milestone in my young adult life get me? I'll tell you where: Right back into Ana's arms. Right back into a space where I can sit comfortably in my unextraordinary life, being checked on every ten minutes like a child, and never growing into a fully-fledged twenty year old. That makes me extremely frustrated. The fact that my fear of failure is what drives my eating disorder to keep me small and contained makes me want to scream.

But failure is not a shameful space. Because the step before failure is where there is courage to try. And with the courage to try comes the passion to succeed. If you cut away these steps, you are left with nothing. No courage, no will to try, and no passion to succeed. All you are left with is fear. This is a lesson to carry into 2018 with me. Failure is not synonymous with shame and embarrassment. Failure is a stepping stone between trying and trying again. For as long as you continue trying, success will surely follow.

'Fat' is a word that has become so warped and abused in my vocabulary. I can honestly say that I have never used the word 'fat' as an insult, but in my mind with my eating disorder voice it is an insult to me. According to my eating disorder voice (now please keep in mind that this is a voice that speaks strictly to me in order to abuse me, not anyone else), 'fat' means grotesque, out of control, and disgusting. I have never believed these words to apply to anyone who is overweight, but my eating disorder voice convinces me that these words apply to me and only me. 'Fat' is the biggest swearword in Ana's vocabulary. According to her, to be fat is to live a life with no morals and to indulge in shameful things. 

As a result of what she has made me believe being 'fat' is, I am terrified of gaining weight. Because if I gain weight, I become all of those things: Grotesque, immoral, disgusting, shameful, out of control, and self-indulgent. If I let go of Ana and recover fully it means that I will let myself go. I will become a disgusting and horrible person, gaining weight at an uncontrollably rapid pace, eating everything in sight, living immorally, and not stopping until I've satisfied myself, no matter what the cost.

Okay, I've just taken a minute to step back and reread that paragraph. All I can say is, wow. The thoughts that have manifested in my mind and corrupted my logic thanks to my eating disorder are absolutely terrifying. 

I truly do know that gaining weight is not a bad thing. Especially in my condition. My current BMI cannot sustain my bodily functions which is why I feel dizzy and disoriented all the time. If I don't restore my body weight to a healthy number I run the risk of becoming infertile, hospitalised, and causing serious organ damage which could lead to organ failure. The thoughts that Ana has cultivated around gaining weight and what it means to be 'fat' have corrupted me so much that I am ultimately scared of recovery. I am scared of what gaining weight will do to my body.

But the truth is that none of us are defined by our bodies. We are not defined by our weight, our size, our height, or our calorie intake. This is going to sound so cliche but what truly defines us is how we live our lives, how we go about treating the people around us, and how we cultivate our unique mindsets. As acclaimed author Roald Dahl once said:

Similarly, a person who maintains a healthy lifestyle, in mind, body, and spirit, treats themselves with respect, listens to their body's call, and focuses on their happiness and wellbeing can never be Ana's definition of 'fat'. Recovery will cultivate this in me as long as I choose to embrace it. I just need the continuous affirmation (that can only come from me) that being 'fat' does not equal being grotesque, and that weight gain will not make me a disgusting and ugly person. Letting go of these thoughts that have kept me caged for so long is a hard thing to do, but if I don't, then this life of fear, inhibition, and a half-full cup is all I will ever know.

Recovery promises freedom. The freedom to become whoever I want to be. If I let go of Ana and embrace recovery then the entire world will open its arms to me. Things that are seemingly so far away now will become possibilities: Travelling, a family of my own, moving out, adopting dogs, and opening my own practice. 

There is no freedom in my eating disorder. Ana, however, disagrees intensely with that statement: 

"Of course I have freedom!" She says, "I have more freedom than the average person. I don't need food, I don't need friends, I don't have responsibilities or cares, I don't need water, I don't need exercise, I don't need social interaction, I don't need to go outside, I don't need to talk about my feelings, heck, I don't need to feel anything. How freeing is that?!"

But in Anorexia you are not free. In fact, you become more dependent on other people. This is a lesson my mom helped me to learn. You become dependent on other people to hold you when you fall apart because you have no energy to hold yourself up. You become dependent on your parents to see through the most basic duties for you. You become dependent on your doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and dietician to nurse you back to health. There is no freedom in illness.

The only way to attain true freedom is to let it go. No matter how scared I am I have to begin the process of letting her go. The only way to let her go is to walk through the fear. The fear is currently a blanket of mist about as thick as twenty wet bath towels. But no one is going to walk through it for me. I know what kind of life is waiting for me on the other side, and I have lived through the life that will be there for me if I turn around.

As long as I keep walking, everything and anything good can and will happen to me. I will be happier, stronger, and better.

But if I choose to turn around, everything and anything bad can and will happen to me. And I know this because I have felt it. I have lived through it for four years.

2018, as I have said, is going to be a year of intense recovery. But it is also a year of letting go. I will be my most vulnerable in this space. My heart will be even more susceptible to fear and failure. My mind will be even more ridden with Ana's definition of 'fat'. But somehow I know that this pain will be short-lived. For on the other side of fear is the most beautiful sunrise that will never set on me as long as I keep it in my horizon: Freedom. Happiness. Clarity.