Tuesday 22 December 2015

Answering Justin Bieber's Question

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?


Now Justin, that is an excellent question. I am in a calmer and more balanced space compared to where I was this time last year. The constant war in my head is based on this: I don't know whether being in a calmer, more balanced space is a good thing or a bad thing. I want it to be a good thing, but Ana is telling me it's a bad thing. It gets tiring trying to argue with her, but I have to persist. The more you give in, the more she has an audience. So, it's up to me to fight her shrilling voice. I'm fighting against myself, for myself. It's a continuous struggle, and it drains me of my energy. But it must be done if I am ever to be free of her perilous grip.

I was very ill in 2014, and it grew progressively worse in the December holidays. I was scared, detrimentally malnourished, critically underweight, terse with the people I love most, emotionally isolated from my friends, and crying had become as frequent an occurence as breathing. 

This Christmas, I am in a better space physically, but that doesn't mean I have recovered. I also feel that I have made progress in my strive for efficiently coping with my illness mentally. I feel like with the help of psychology sessions, in depth talks with my parents, and even this blog, I am getting closer to peace of mind. 

In 2016, I will work towards this goal, as well as remembering my mantra:

This is my journey. I am learning to love myself one step at a time.

I can only hope that 2016 will be a year of learning, living, growth, and happiness. I will make it a tribute to God and the universe for the precious gift of life, to my family for holding me in their hearts and prayers, to my friends for always showing me love and grace, and reminding me that life is precious, and should be lived to the fullest, and to myself, as a reminder of my purpose, and that every human being deserves love, including myself.

I wish you and your family a blessed Christmas filled with joy, love, and laughter, and a peaceful New Year.


XO

Tuesday 8 December 2015

H&M: Healing and Matric

At the beginning of 2015, I was diagnosed clinically and life-threateningly ill. 

 Shock pulsed it's way through my cold body and numb soul. I was scared right to my core. Every part of me hurt, and days dragged on like bat claws on a blackboard. I ached with sadness and trembled with anger and fear. The pain felt insurmountable, I felt perpetually tired, depressed, and I couldn't remember a day that didn't start or end with tears soaking my pillow or drenching my clothes. 

 I was taken out of school to heal. During this time, I missed my friends more than my heart could handle. I was given the choice to repeat Grade 11 next year. I decided that I wasn't going to let this illness ruin my chances of conquering Grade 11. Once I was well enough to be back in school, that is exactly what I did. I started anew, found my feet, and got my academics back on track. And today, I got my certificates for an A aggregate, multiple subject awards, and consistent hard work and diligence. I didn't think that I would get to see Matric, but now, I can.

 Anything is possible. You can defeat anything. Your ghosts don't define you. I am trying every single day not to let her define me. This year has been a year of learning, healing, and loving. If you forge your armour, bear your battle scars as warrior runes, and let your life lessons be your weapons to climb to glory, you can conquer your monsters, and emerge stronger, and more powerful than ever before.

 I am climbing to my glory. This is all part of a continuous journey. I am building myself up, growing my power, and giving myself the time and space to heal, recover, and learn to love my body.

 My message is that anything is possible. I didn't think I would get my end of year Grade 11 report for 2015, let alone get top achievements in my grade, and be promoted to Matric. But, here I am!

 Matrics of 2016, let's do this.


XO

Copyright © 2014 Sarah-Kate Says