One Year Later
*TRIGGER WARNING: Eating disorder, depression*
Tomorrow, 12 January, marks one year since I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa.
Tomorrow, 12 January, marks one year since I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa.
This marks an important anniversary in my young life. It was the day that my entire world came crashing down around me, and the reality of my monsters sunk in. It was a day of complete sadness, despair, frustration, and humiliation.
I can't describe how I feel at present. 365 days later. Did I really move 365 days past the point of my diagnosis? Did I really find a piece of myself that I loved enough not to let Ana snatch it away from me? Did I really hold on to this life, and use the broken stones under my feet to make a bridge? I actually did that, and I can't believe it. I'm crying so hard as I write this. I can't believe I held on. I held on. I can't believe it. I held on. I never thought of myself as a strong person, but I guess it takes strength and courage to face your demons and fight the war. Every single tear I've shed has formed a torrential river that I've had to swim through. I felt like I was drowning every day, over and over again, and now, I feel like I can finally breathe. 365 days later I can breathe. I can breathe.
Do I dare say I've made it? I'm not sure. I haven't recovered, but I feel like I have more room to grow. It feels like I have room to spread my wings and be more open and accepting of myself.
I decided to quote a few passages from the diary I kept while I was critically ill and kept at home. Here it goes:
I stand by myself, my journey, and my recovery process. I stand by the statement that I want my life back. This road is strenuous, but the reward is worth it. I know that I need to show myself love, kindness and respect, and I'm trying everyday. Hopefully it will get easier and the pain will cease over time.
26 January 2015
I want to be the best possible version of myself, but how can I do that when I feel stuck in a perpetual black hole?
30 January 2015
This is a battle that I could not have foreseen, nor a battle that I would have chosen for myself. But it is one that I am not going to lose... Whatever control and power I've been exercising over food I'm going to use to take my life back. I want to live a proud life: one where I don't feel scrutinised, one where I don't care about what everyone is doing or how others perceive me. I want to live a life where health and happiness are my priorities. I am on the road to recovery. It may be long and winding, but it's a road that I need to take, have to take. And it starts now. This journey is going to take time. It's going to be strenuous and, at times, it's going to bellow at me to give up. But I'm a fighter. The reward is my greatest pursuit. I want my life back. I want my happiness back. I want my health back. And I'm going to get it, one step at a time.
I stand by myself, my journey, and my recovery process. I stand by the statement that I want my life back. This road is strenuous, but the reward is worth it. I know that I need to show myself love, kindness and respect, and I'm trying everyday. Hopefully it will get easier and the pain will cease over time.
Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. It fills my heart with warmth and light knowing that I have such a strong support system. You've all shown me the power of family and friendship. I don't know where I'd be without you. Thank you for keeping me warm when I was oh so cold. Thank you for holding me when I was so tired that I wanted to give up. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Here's to another year of recovery, growth, happiness, healing, loving, living, exploring, unearthing, smiling, and giving.
One step at a time.
XO
You're very brave for sharing your story and I thank you for it. It seems like you've managed to climb out your 'Black Hole' and I think why you hesitate to declare that you've 'Made IT' is so you'll be on guard in case that black hole ever gets near you again. I'm glad I stumbled onto your blog and find someone with significant progress. You have inspired me!
ReplyDeleteJeffery @ New Dawn Treatment Centers
Hello Jeffery,
DeleteYour comment has made my night.
Never in my life could I have anticipated having international readers, let alone someone from a real treatment centre for mental disorders and substance abuse disorders. That makes me feel even more secure that my writing transcends barriers from patient to professional, country to country, and culture to culture.
Thanking you for reading my blog. What you say is very true: I do feel like I am on guard. I'm trying to find the balance in my university life to manage my mental health along with my grades, and that takes its toll, but with support such as this blog, my family, and readers like you, I know I can make it through anything.
That makes me want to cry, thank you so much. All I've ever wanted to be is someone who can touch the hearts of others, and inspire them with my words, my journey, and my story. The fact that I have been able to do that through this blog empowers me immensely.
Thank you for your support. It means the world to me, and fills my heart.
Love and blessings xx