Nobody Likes You When You're 23
My 23rd birthday is tomorrow.
I have never been one to shy away from the attention and celebrations that come with birthdays. In fact, I love them. For one day everyone basks in the brilliance of your existence. But this year feels very different.
I am terrified of turning 23 and entering my Jordan Year.
Turning 20 is a huge milestone for many. You're no longer a teenager and are venturing into the world of adulthood. My 20th birthday was such an exciting day for me. My boyfriend planned a surprise spa day for us and I ended the evening with a huge dinner party with all of my friends. Needless to say, I cried happy tears.
And what about turning 21? You feel like royalty! It's one of the biggest birthday celebrations you'll ever have. For me, being 21 felt like emerging from the chrysalis, spreading my beautiful new wings, and soaring into new and unchartered possibilities. My 21st was the best night of my life.
I loved being 22. It was my Taylor Swift year! Even though it was my first birthday under lockdown conditions, I had a lovely mini celebration at home with my family.
23 is the next step.
The number 23 doesn't sit well with me for a number of reasons:
- It just sounds DULL! 21 and 22 bubble in my mouth like champagne, but 23 is tepid and sour.
- 23 is an odd number, and I'm not a fan of odd numbers. In my mind they’re always an orangey-brown and taste funny.
- 23 is a prime number, and I have a severe disliking for prime numbers. They're stuck-up.
- 23 sounds like such a daunting, mature, grown up number. You're no longer a budding 20, a sparkling 21, or a Swift 22. You're 23. Big, old, get-your-life-together 23...
- Blink-182 literally wrote a song called What’s My Age Again? where they explicitly say, “Nobody likes you when you’re 23...”
What happens when you turn 23? Do you get a tax bill the next day? Are you booted out of your parent's house with a "HIRE ME!" sign stapled to your pressed work blazer? Should I be looking at getting a financial advisor? And oh my goodness, have you seen how expensive renting is??
When you're between the ages of 18 and 22, it feels like you still have time to figure things out, mess around, and have fun. But now it feels like I'm running out of time to just be. Being older than 22 is scaring me to my core. Being 23-years-old doesn't generate any excitement or herald a milestone. I'm no longer an adorable emerging adult. I've got two university degrees under my belt, my driver's license, and a little bit of work experience.
"So what are you waiting for? MOVE OUT! GET A JOB! TRAVEL! GET MARRIED! HAVE BABIES!" Society screams at me from all angles.
I don't know who I thought I'd be or what I thought I'd be doing at 23. When I was little I think I only planned my life up to 16 because, let's face it, 16 seems really mature when you're five-years-old (although MTV might also be to blame for me thinking this). Younger me probably thought that I'd be a Hollywood superstar making six figures and traveling the world by now. Yet here I am, sitting in my childhood bedroom with a cup of hot chocolate by my side writing a blog.
Young people hold themselves to such high standards because of the capitalist rat race we live in. We're bombarded with social media images of Instagram models and TikTokers our age and younger living lavish lifestyles beyond our wildest dreams. We feel an internalized pressure driven by competition and insecurity to work faster, earn higher, be better, and fly higher. I have found that I always fall short of those expectations. Over the years, I have noticed my pattern of searching for the next quick fix- Something that will give me a boost of happiness, a chance to earn money, anything that will get me to the dreams of fame and success I wove as a child. And whenever I fall short of the crazy standards I set for myself, I crash and burn.
Being 23 doesn't have to be scary. I have made it scary for myself because I'm not the person I set out to be 18 years ago. Well I have some news for you Sarah- Life happens. You grow, you change, you learn, you evolve. You walk down paths you never thought you'd take and stumble across opportunities with your name written all over them. Life has a way of moulding you into who you're destined to be, and that person isn't always who you thought you'd be.
In the same breath, I am so proud of the person I have become. I've changed in subtle yet powerful ways since my teen years. I'm stronger now- More resilient to change. I understand the motivations behind my behaviour and can observe and predict these motivations in others. I have actual conflict resolution skills, something that took me quite a while to learn (with many tears along the way). I AM TWICE OVER A GRADUATE OF THE BEST UNIVERSITY IN AFRICA! I am defeating my eating disorder every single day. I am becoming a strong, diligent, independent adult, and I am SO proud of myself!
I can always become the person I wanted to be when I was younger (and I plan to!). But what's even more exciting is that I can build on that person and create something bigger and better. Forget what society tells me about where I should be, what I should be doing, and how I should be running my life. The only person I have to be tomorrow on my birthday, and everyday until forever, is myself.
P.S. Please send me socially distanced and sanitized smooches at midnight tonight because I’ll probably be freaking out all over again...
