Letting go of anorexia is something I have had to learn how to do and redo over and over again. Having never quite gotten it right, I find her sneaking back into my life when things are seemingly on the up and up. For example, my meal plans from October saw me smashing my recovery goals, conquering my fear foods, and gaining weight while still maintaining a positive attitude and motivation to succeed.  On top of this, I showed my final exams who is boss and passed with my name on the Dean's merit list for the second year running!

So why have I found myself in December, stressed and anxious, with the number on the scale dropping?

I somehow find it easier to restrict my intake around the festive season. Most people have the opposite problem, but for me the stress of food and indulging in holiday time, relaxation, and letting go of my inhibitions gives me more of a reason to be anxious than my school routine does. The sense of control that abandons me when the semester ends is reclaimed through my pressing need to control my body's growth and movement. Indeed I have found myself feeling the harmful effects of calorie and nutrient restrictions on my body: Chest pains, dehydration, heart palpitations, exhaustion, nausea, intense hunger, fixation on food, and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and depression.

People assume I have recovered fully from my eating disorder because they see the physical recovery aspects: Weight gain, energy, and eating more. What is always hidden from the public eye are the mental recovery aspects that take the longest to heal and strengthen. I feel frustrated and angry when people say to me, "So you're recovered, what now?" People often don't look further than the body to see the steps to recovery and thus miss the mental aspects hidden beneath the surface.

I am here to say I am still learning about recovery and my own abilities to overcome this mental illness in time. It is after all a mental illness with physical side effects. My weight gain/loss do not determine how "successful" I am in my recovery journey. What I believe will determine how far I will go are my determination to silence anorexia on a day to day basis, my strength to continue in spite of her cruel voice, and my courage to become all that I can be without letting Ana rule my headspace.

No one knows how long I will be on this path. All I know is that this path needs to be paved until it becomes the familiar and comforting road I will walk for the rest of my life: A road of comfort, self love, and embracing life as it comes.

XO