Friday 24 October 2014

Red Velvets and Panic Attacks

*TRIGGER WARNING: Panic attacks*

Hello there! I hope you had a smashing day/week, and are ready for the weekend.

As October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, my school held a fundraiser. The students baked pink cupcakes, and brought them to school to sell. I made the most divine red velvet cupcakes with pink butter icing. Here is where I got the recipe from if you want to give them a go. I didn't use their icing recipe, I just made my own (#rebel). I highly recommend this recipe. I ended up with a batch of perfectly moist, decadent red velvet cupcakes, and I can't wait to bake them again!

You've probably read the title of this post, and are a bit perplexed. What I'm about to share with you is something very personal that I've been struggling with for a while. I've decided to share it with you because if you suffer from panic attacks, you should know that you are not alone. Even if you don't have anxiety issues, then hopefully this will help you to understand what causes panic attacks, and how to help someone suffering from one.

 Panic Attacks?

 Panic attacks are a type of anxiety disorder. They can only be described as an intense surge of overwhelming fear and anxiety, with the anticipation that bad things are going to happen to you. They usually last between five and 20 minutes, although someone suffering from panic attacks over the years may have a build up of panic attacks after the other. They  may be recurring, especially if the situation has stimulated a previous panic attack.

In order to understand this, you must know that we all respond to stress physically. Different things induce stress, such as school work, presentations, or even taking a driver's test. Someone who suffers from panic attacks, however, responds to these averagely stressful situations with exaggerated physical reactions, as if they are facing a life threatening situation. Panic attacks are terrifying, and can suddenly be triggered by virtually anything. The sufferer believes they are under threat when, in reality, there is no threat opposing them. This makes it difficult to calm down, as it feels as though there is no escape.

Adrenaline is released by the body in order to fight off the threat in a 'fight or flight' response. This is the same way the body would react if it were under a real threat, such as being attacked. This adrenaline causes the heart to beat faster, and the muscles to tense up. The body tries to take in more oxygen, causing rapid breathing. 

With the sudden kick of panic induced adrenaline, the sufferer may feel that they are going insane, or even that they are going to die.

What are the Symptoms of a Panic Attack?

Symptoms of a panic attack are abrupt, and reach the highest point within 10 minutes. There are various psychological symptoms coupled with physical symptoms, such as:
  • Irregular heart beat, also referred to as palpitations
  • Sweating
  • Trembling or shaking
  • Shortness of breath
  • Feeling dizzy, light headed or faint
  • Uncontrollable crying
  • Feeling unreal or detached from your surroundings
  • A choking sensation (being restricted of breath)
  • Chest pains
  • Nausea or upset stomach
I will take time to acknowledge that I was a very stressed child in primary school. Ever since I started high school, however, I have felt my anxiety getting worse. This, in my opinion, was the worst time for my anxiety to start getting worse, however I can see how the pressure to perform well, and the stress of becoming a teenager has worked like the bricks building on my leaning tower of sanity. This makes school work and the pressure to do well a major contributor to my panic attacks, and the workload for Grade 10 is not exactly minimal. I would describe my panic attacks as a build up of a number of stressful factors that I can't keep inside of me anymore, until they are released in a tsunami-like torrent of emotions. The fear and stress becomes too overwhelming for me to handle, and I suddenly feel so distant from everyone around me as I realise I must be the only person feeling this way. This makes me even more scared until I can no longer bear it, and just want to curl into a ball like a child, or run until I reach Egypt. When I am having a panic attack, I always imagine the cupboard under the stairs from Harry Potter, because that's where I would like to go to be alone where I can calm down in my own time, away from everything that stresses me. 

 Today I had a very scary panic attack. I was sitting in class, and I could not stop thinking about how much work I had to revise for the end of year exams. Even though I've been doing regular revision and my homework throughout the year, I felt like no matter how much I'd done, I would not finish in time. I began to feel what I can only describe as a block of ice persistently pushing, harder and harder, against my chest. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I knew if I looked at anyone in the eyes, I would melt into a puddle of tears. I started shaking, and my breathing became short and rapid. I knew I couldn't handle walking around school and sitting in lessons for the rest of the day pretending that everything was fine and dandy, when all I wanted to do was cry. I felt like I had a thousand eyes watching me, judging me, waiting for me to cry. I felt the overwhelming sensation that the whole world was against me, that no one understood me, and that no one would help me. The worst part of these panic attacks, is that it's all a psychological thing. It's easy to tell me to calm down and that everything will be fine, but I can't hear you when my brain keeps telling me that I'm not going to be fine. I actually sat and wrapped my arms around myself in an attempt to hold myself together. I know I'm probably painting a very grim, sombre picture of myself, but you must understand it was an act of complete and utter despair. I started to cry, and once I started I couldn't stop. Everything that was making me stress, everything that was pushing down on me, all came rushing out in a furious torrent of tears. All the while I was shaking, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I went home early after my friends noticed that I was not okay. After my panic attack, I felt like a wrung out towel. I was completely dry, limp and exhausted from losing so much energy. 

 How To Deal with Panic Attacks

 Focusing on my breathing helps me a lot when it comes to calming myself down. Focus on breathing in through the nose, and out through the mouth. Try and stabilise your breathing.

 Clear your head of all thoughts. Stare straight ahead, or focus on one thing in particular, and draw all your attention to it. Describe it to yourself. Try not to think about whatever it is that's making you panic.

 Remind yourself that you are under no actual threat. You are simply in a state of a stress induced panic attack, and nothing bad is actually going to happen to you. The world will still keep spinning, and your life will continue to be bright and happy, if you let it. 

 TELL SOMEONE HOW YOU ARE FEELING. Identifying why you are panicking is the first step towards happiness. Luckily for me, I have the best, most caring and compassionate friends, who can smell unhappiness from a mile away. They stayed with me every step of the way, and did not retreat, even when I tried to convince them, and partly myself, that I was fine. They made me verbalise exactly what I was feeling, and gave me their full attention. They made me realise that I was perfectly safe, and that I was only working myself up. They taught me that life always goes on, and that no matter what happens, or what state I'm in, I can always get out of it because I am in full control of what affects me, and how I deal with it. They helped me to calm down, control my breathing, and cheer me up. They did not judge me, call me silly for stressing, or make fun of my panic attack, and I could never ask for more than that. If you girls are reading this, just know that you mean everything to me, and thank you so much for helping me. It means more than you will ever know. I've never fully come to grips with dealing with my panic attacks, and I think today was the first step down the right path. Thank you for teaching me that, and for being the most wonderful friends in the whole world. <3

I'd like to clarify something that you might be confused about: In my last post called Choosing To Be Happy, I mentioned that I am an optimist, and choose to see and believe in the brighter side of life. This is entirely true. However, I also mentioned that happy people are not bereft of problems. Sometimes, I cannot always be as cheerful and strong as I aspire to be, but hey I'm only human. 

I would also like to say that even though I get really stressed and panicky sometimes, I will always love my school. My teachers are always so kind and helpful, and my friends are the most wonderful, jovial people who make everyday funny and memorable. My school offers so many amazing opportunities for us to grow, not only as young women, but as future world leaders, and I am so priveledged to be a part of this beautiful family. I'm determined to take control of my stress and panic attacks, so I can ease my soul about school work and pressure. Hopefully, this will enable me to enjoy my high school experience even more.

I'm hoping that these panic attacks will whither with time, but for now I'm taking baby steps, and taking control of my life with two hands. I know that I will be okay with the help of my family and friends. I'm learning that life is too short to worry about little things, and that, if you keep your head up, you will always see a rainbow.



P.S. If you would like to educate yourself more about panic attacks, anxiety and disorders, here are a few resources that I made use of:


XO


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